I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
