just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
