Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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