I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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