I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
