So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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