I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
