new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
