You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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