Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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