I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
