i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
