I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
