Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
FUCK WHALES
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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