ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
