You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
