I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
