Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
