Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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