Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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