Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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