I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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