TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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