its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
