I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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