fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
