So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
