someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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