you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
