i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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