He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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