I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
