All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
