It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
