He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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