I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
