dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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