Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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