After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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