my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
