the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
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Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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