Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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