seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
