i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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