Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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