I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
