Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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