I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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