dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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