so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
