also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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