I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
