im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
