i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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