Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
