I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
