Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
