Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
